Heart laces

I asked for a heart repair,

stitched together with your endless grace threads,

sewn up piece by broken piece with your careful hands.

I did not ask for something new

or to share the same heart that beat life into man,

but to humbly have the pieces of mine taken from the floor of my soul

and coarsely fit back together with scars exposed.

A yearning for some glimpse of your love found within this human body.

But your ways are surely not my ways.

My requests are like teardrops in your ocean,

spilling large over my eyes but falling tiny upon your abundance.

My prayers for your mercy are bound by my humanity,

but your grace flows out limitless.

Instead of giving as I asked, you gave in the way only you can

placing within me the very heart that healed the sick,

raised the dead and invited little children to come and stay.

I chose your healing over all the rest and you were ready.

With your truth and promises,

you mend the wounds and seal the cracks

rendering empty spaces, once filled with lost hope, now overflowing

and the darkest places of sin now illuminated with its redemption in you.

I feared my heart was a hopeless, broken mess of humanity,

my condition instinctual and my behaviors impossible.

That no matter the strength of my determination

or the drive of my will

I would never see myself right enough for you.

But my eyes distort and disfigure.

The heart you see within me is the one you were so eager to give.

To take and mend. Repair and restore.

And make it the one you’ve seen from the beginning-

the heart of your daughter and the heart of your Son.

The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul.

There are days that are so busy, you find yourself thinking back on their beginning and saying, “I did that this morning?! That felt like days ago!”

And there are days when you rush from school to work, grocery store to home, back to school, to practice, then to… Those are the days when you look back and can’t remember what you had for breakfast or who pulled the “A-” and who just squeaked by with the “D.”

That was yesterday for me. Today was neither of those. Today was the kind of day that had God-prints all over it, but I just couldn’t seem to match them up. One of the days where you feel this serious deficiency about something somewhere and it irritates you all day because whatever it is is just outside your reach. You can’t quite determine the piece you’re missing.

As I walked into the library this morning, I noticed the person in front of me was a woman about my age that I had seen receiving a meal at the city soup kitchen just yesterday. Assuming God had intervened in our like arrival time, I began to talk with her. With cautious words she opened up just a bit and I realized she was in a place of pain and struggle and offered her my phone number telling her she could call for meals or support or just a listening ear.

At that point she saw the cross around my neck and began to condemn me and the God I worship because, as she told me, her god did not remain on the cross but was resurrected. I enthusiastically agreed with her and explained that my cross reminds me of what Jesus did for me and that He did it to remove the sins I still face every day.

She made a cutting remark about my lack of knowledge and said she didn’t need my phone number or my help and walked away.

Do I really not know my God? Why do I wear this cross? Do I convey the message that I only acknowledge a crucified Jesus and not a resurrected Christ? Of course I am convinced of the truths God has given us through His Word, but do I overflow with that truth as I live and communicate? Or am I to blame for her hostility toward the symbol I wear around my neck? I questioned myself.

The woman caused me to wonder why God blended our paths because it was a seemingly fruitless meeting. I may never know why. But the truth of the Word says that His ways are not our ways. That in all my knowledge I still will not possess one tiny fraction of His.

Through a cosmic pairing in a library across town, I am taught that, despite the words, a conversation can lead to wisdom. To know the truth of God is to be sure of oneself. They may criticize. But the only scale upon which to gauge our lives and actions is the one spelled out through His words of truth and instruction.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.

The decrees of the Lord are firm and all of them are righteous.

Psalm 19:7-9

A Re-evaluation…

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under Heaven.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

Ecclesiastes 3

As much as I love this blog, the purpose of it was never to take time away from my children, but to archive my time with them. In my writing, as with most things I do, I want to final product to be perfect. As impossible as that might be, I work as hard as I can to make it that way no matter the time it takes. So in writing this blog, I have, at times, deprived myself of the very thing I intended to write about- time spent engaged with my children.

I have learned in this short time to love speaking my mind through the written word. Sometimes, though, as a mom I don’t even have time to gather my thoughts on a daily basis let alone organize them and write them down. I have been convicted in this way and I want to change it. I have decided that the important part of this process is being actively involved with my children daily. If my duties as a wife, mother and servant of God take my day and leave me with nothing left to give then I will be joyful that I fulfilled them.

Writing is very much a learning and growing exercise for me now. I will continue to be dedicated to writing and sharing my heart as often as my full days allow, but I will be focusing mainly on what brought me to this point in the first place- my need to be on my children’s level- and not on putting them aside to fulfill my own desires.

Thank you so much for sticking with me for 3 months…

My mom is a construction worker… #277

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1

Making a Bunny House

As women we spend time building up the things closest to us. Our homes. Our children. Our husbands. Our families. Sometimes a career. We even try to build up money to save for retirement or food in case of a crisis. We spend the majority of our days building our lives, little by little, upon what we completed the day before. Sometimes our hard work falls apart and we have to rebuild, but we do it.

Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Do you ever tear your house down? Would you know it if you did? When we speak with words of disdain or disrespect to our husbands or children, we are tearing down the house we struggle daily to construct. When we tell them they aren’t good enough or neglect to encourage them or speak words of kindness, we can quickly destroy the solid structure of our families. “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:26).

Lord, help me live by the law of kindness and break my heart over my unkind words.

Anger Management #278

Verse of the day:

“A fool gives full vent to his (her) anger, but a wise man keeps himself (herself) under control.” Proverbs 29:11

I have been struggling to keep my anger under control this week. When I speak my children act as if they didn’t hear anything. If you are a mom you know how frustrating that can be. I try to stay calm, get down on their level and make eye contact so they know what I expect of them. But there are still many times when my instruction is ignored, which leads me to frustration and anger. I don’t really have a solution to this problem except to pray for patience and earnestly seek wisdom and hold tight until they are old enough to move on to the next frustrating behavior they will hit me with.

I’m pretty sure being a parent doesn’t get any easier. They say having an infant is the hardest part. I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree! It gets more trying by the day. Today, in order to save my children from losing their mother to the depths of insanity, I am praying for patience beyond comprehension and an appropriate outlet for my anger. Lord, hear these prayers and come to my rescue!!

Chutes and Ladders #279

Do you know the objective of the game Chutes and Ladders? Let me break it down for you. Get to the space marked “100” on the game board first. If you land on a space with a kid acting naughty you have to slide down a Chute to a lower number. Conversely, if you land on a space with a child doing good you get to climb a ladder to a higher number.

Look at the Dog! This cracks me up!

My kids love this game- mostly because they love every game in which they get to compete with someone and beat them. That’s a boy for you…

I thought a bit about the pictures on the board while I was playing with them. One child got into the cookie jar, another stole a toy, and another broke something that didn’t belong to him. All of these spaces cause the player to slide down a chute to a lower number.

On the other hand there were children playing nicely together, one that made cookies for a friend and another that was reading a book. The spaces allowed the player to climb up to a better space.

Does anyone else see a tiny little lesson in there somewhere? Our actions speak louder than our words. Even though it is a silly game for preschoolers, Chutes and Ladders can actually teach a few Biblical principles if you really look at it.

Matthew 5:16 says, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.” When your actions are sinful, you don’t point others to the Father and you may even bring them down. But if your actions are good and righteous, you will show others the light of Christ in your life.

It may be a stretch for some, but I think this whole world is infused with biblical principles. We just have to dig for them. After all, God did create it all. He probably put his “stamp” in more places than we can imagine.

"C" won!

Those were my nails #280

"The Disciples"

"Were overjoyed"

"When they saw"

“…Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with

"The Lord"

you!” After He said this He showed them His hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.” John 20:19b-20.

Lord Jesus, this world is so unforgiving, unjust and unpredictable. You died in my place and rose again to let me live with you for eternity. Some day, when its time to leave this uncertain place, I will be overjoyed just to see your hands which took the nails as a sacrifice for my every sin.

Those were my nails
That was my crown
That pierced Your hands and Your brow
Those were my thorns
Those were my scorns
Those were my tears that fell down
And just as You said it would be
You did it all for me
After You counted the cost
You took my shame, my blame
On my cross

-FFH, “On My Cross”

Who You serve I’ll serve #281

This evening we soaked up some comforting great-grandma time. We packed up dinner and made our way to grandma’s house to eat, visit and be spoiled like only a grandma can do. I noticed the floors were a little dusty so I offered to vacuum and sent the boys downstairs to watch cartoons with grandpa. Do I love to vacuum so much that my house is just not enough for me? Um, no. But I do love to help my grandparents. They have always been there for me and I want to return that generosity any way I can. Also, I desire to show my children by example how to have a servant’s heart and be willing to cheerfully give even when we have to do things we don’t really like to do. I try continually to look to Jesus as an example to myself of how to serve others. He walked the Earth with the power of God, but used what he had, his frail humanness, to simply serve humankind.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” Philippians 2:5-7

Freshen me up! #283

Today we were blessed with a fresh spring day and we made the most of it. The boys played outside with some friends and the baby and I watched them from the porch. We spent the afternoon making pizza and cheesecake and waiting impatiently for them to finish baking so we could dig in.

Our story tonight was about God’s silence in the 400 years before He sent His Son to the Earth for our salvation. God can be silent for a time, but “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles” (Psalm 34:17).

I can’t imagine what life would be like today if God had not spoken to us in 400 years. I really can’t imagine it. I feel like our spring days just wouldn’t feel so fresh. Like there would be no renewal, just a continuation of the previous mundane day. God speaks through His creation. There is proof all around us of what a creative, loving and magnificent God we have. All we have to do is recognize it and appreciate it. It’s not just decoration, but a proclamation of His unending love.

I may have used this one before, but it encourages me every day…

“Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.” Lamentations 3:23

Getting me some wisdom! #284

“Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7

The verses of Proverbs are on my mind today. I have been studying them through multiple outlets and all reviews lead back to one objective: gain wisdom from the Lord. When we grow in wisdom we gain the mind of Christ. We can never be sinless like He was, but we can strive to base every decision we make on His truth. Life is not relative to the actions of others, but to the actions of Christ.

The only way we can display wisdom to our children is to own it ourselves. The only way we can own it is to ask for it. Read Proverbs 2:1-5. It says we must accept the word, store up the commands, turn our ears to wisdom, apply our hearts to understanding, call out for insight, cry aloud for understanding, look for it as silver, search for it as hidden treasure. Want wisdom and then tell God you want wisdom and seek it!